It’s been a three-year journey since I found Elizabeth on the floor of her bathroom that morning. She’s better now. She still has struggles, but she's better. We talk about important things now, the real stories. It wasn’t my fault she attempted suicide, but why didn’t I know how desperate she was? I've asked myself this question a thousand times. I wasn’t listening closely enough. 

 

If she ever says, “Can we talk, Dad?” stop what you are doing. But don’t talk. Listen. She will tell you about her life on her terms, not on yours. Deepen your relationship with her by shutting up when it counts, Dad, and she will know where to go when she’s in trouble or needs help.

 

If you ever ask how she is and she says, “fine,” don’t assume that’s the truth—especially during the teen years. Listen carefully with your eyes, ears, and heart. Listen, like Frank Dearborn did, “with an open heart”.

 

We men love to fix things and solve problems. This is a good thing. The world needs fixers and problem solvers. But there is a time to fix and solve, and there is a time to be quiet and listen. Do that with her. This is especially true if she’s upset. When she’s upset, she does not want to hear your solutions. She wants to be heard. If you hear something that deserves your attention, go back and explore it later. This might apply to your wife as well. It's a thought. 

 

When Elizabeth started middle school, many days after school she would get in the car, upset. She started telling me the stories of her day. It sounded dire and dramatic. It sounded like serious stuff. The stories did not come out in a linear way. They came out in fragments. I tried to piece them together. I asked questions. Questions made it worse. One day I decided to just listen. She told her dramatic story, one fragment at a time. In short, the world ended that day. I said as little as possible. An “Oh dear” here and there.

 

Then an amazing thing happened. She looked at me and said, “Can we get ice cream.” I said the most brilliant thing a dad ever said. "What flavor?” It ended just like that. She just needed to get it out.

 

Be present with your daughter without judging, fixing, or solving. Without making any of it right or wrong. Have the courage to hear the hard things.  If you bring a peaceful heart to her troubles, her heart will also become peaceful.

 

You may be thinking. . . .but what if she never wants to talk to me?

 

I have a solution for you: road trip. You and her. Around hour five or six she will be so bored she will talk, in my experience. If she’s under ten you only need one thing for a successful road trip: the promise of a hotel swimming pool at the end of the day. If she’s over ten, you will need a good sound system in your car and earplugs.

 

Why are so many teens committing suicide? I say its isolation. How can you be isolated with 500 snap chat friends? Because they aren’t your friends. They aren’t authentic, real, human connections. A mile wide and an inch deep. They aren't people you can call at three in the morning when your heart hurts.

 

If you become the dad she deserves, she will turn to you with her troubles. Be that dad. 

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