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THE TEEN YEARS
BOUNDARIES DURING THE TEEN YEARS
She is pushing back against you and your rules as she grows into her own. She is supposed to be doing this. It’s normal. It is part of the process of her becoming independent from you and moving into the world on her own. She’s not your little girl anymore. Good for her, hard for you. She will make mistakes. They will be hard to watch. Help her learn from them.
It will be hard to know when to say yes and when to say no. For me, I require a reason for no that I can explain and stand for. I noticed that sometimes I would say no for no other reason than I just didn’t feel like dealing with whatever was asked of me. I’ve learned that if that’s the case, it’s best to lean into yes. Why? Because when I do that, it’s easier for my daughters to accept when I say no.
The best parenting advice I got was in foster family training. The trainer said, if you pick a fight, you have to win. Because if you pick one and lose, she will learn you can be rolled. Pick wisely. This, I admit, is easier said than done. We don’t always get it right.
Heather, a wrangler friend at Wind River Ranch, told me a story about her dad. When she was a teenager, she liked a boy that her dad would not let her date. Why? He said the boy wouldn’t treat her well. At the time, Heather was furious. Years later, though, she told me he was right and appreciates the stand he took.
Heather had a friend who started dating a boy who was just out of prison. Her friend’s dad said nothing about her choice, and it did not go well. Heather’s friend told later her she wished her dad had said something back then to protect her the way Heather’s dad had.
Heather—who has always had this incredible way of boiling things down to the point—told me this: “A dad needs to have the guts to say no." She’s right. And dad, you'll get a lot of practice at that in the teen years if you're doing it right.
The studies are clear: authority is not a threat to your relationship with her. It will bring you closer. Troubled kids are not the kids with strict dads. They are the ones that feel left on their own. Troubled kids describe dads who did not have rules. Dads who avoided conflict rather than engaging. They describe fathers who gave into them rather than stand up to them and for them.
You may have to say no to booty shorts. Or a boy. Or a party. Don’t delegate this to Mom. Do it.
You might have to show up at a party and bring her home. You may have to take her phone away and kill snap chat. (It has nine lives, be careful, kids are clever.) Do it.
She wants and needs you to set boundaries though she will never admit it. Boundaries around what she wears, social media time, homework, curfew, what parties she can go to. She needs to know where her world ends. Show her that the way her world gets bigger is by making good choices and earning trust.
One night my fifteen-year-old daughter Rachel was out past curfew and not answering messages. I drove to the last place I knew she was. The girl there knew who she left with. I asked her to send a text to the boy that said, “If I don’t hear from my daughter in 10 minutes, I’m calling the police and giving them your number.” I got a call back in 30 seconds. Rachel was mad for a week.
Another time Rachel came home with two hickeys on her neck. I know the boy that put them there. Hunter—not a bad kid. I told her I wanted to talk to him. To my surprise, she brought her phone over to me. “He’s on the line,” she said.
“Hunter, did you put hickeys on my daughters’ neck? "He stuttered and stammered. “Hunter, I know you put hickeys on my daughters’ neck.” “Yes Mr. Belknap.”
“Hunter, don’t do that again. Boys do that. Men don’t do that. If you want to date my daughter, be a man.” “OK, Mr. Belknap,” he said. “That’s good Hunter, because if you put another hickey on her neck, I’m going to put one on you!” “That will not be necessary!” he said with enthusiasm.
Rachel never got another Hickey.
Dads, be clear with the boys your daughter brings home. Treat them with respect and expect them to do the same with your daughter. Don’t leave it for them to guess, though. Tell them what you expect. As dads, we have an opportunity to help boys grow into young men. To support them as they walk that path from boyhood to manhood the right way. Take that opportunity. Trust me, the boys will listen to you. In fact, you might be surprised to see how well he responds to being given a job to do.
Sometimes you’ll find situations that require, let's say, a firmer approach.
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Once on a flight to Las Vegas with my daughters, a young man across the aisle had 5 drinks in two hours and put two more in his pocket. He became louder and more obnoxious during the flight. When we got off the plane, he approached Elizabeth. Their phones were out, and they were exchanging phone numbers. Or snap chat. Who knows? Drunk but cute, she could not resist. I told him to take a hike. After a brief man versus boy staring contest, he left.
My daughters were furious and wanted me to apologize because I’d embarrassed them. Still, deep down, I knew I’d sent a message I want them to carry all their lives: they are worth standing up for. They deserve to feel and be protected. I did not apologize.
It boils down to this: you hold enormous power in this relationship, Dad. Use it to serve her needs and prosper her life. You are her leader. If you fail to lead her, you will lose her respect. If you lose her respect, she will stop listening to you. She will not follow your rules. She will become one of those kids in crisis. You will lose her.
THE TEEN YEARS
YOUR NEW NORMAL
One day you are going to look up and it’s going to hit you: your little girl is not your little girl anymore. It will surprise you. When did that happen? Hips, breasts, hormones, moods, boys.
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The teen years, the best years of parenting….said no parent ever.
SHE’S HAVING HER PERIOD
Both my girls had their first period with me. Alone. Single dad. Awkward. If there was a mom around, I would have headed for the gym. But I’m glad I didn’t. I learned a lot about what it’s like to be a woman in the world by being there for them when this started.
SHUT UP AND LISTEN
It’s been a three year journey since I found Elizabeth on the floor of her bathroom that morning. She’s better now. She still has struggles, but she is better. We talk about important things now, the real stories. It wasn’t my fault she attempted suicide, but why didn’t I know how desperate she was? I wasn’t listening closely enough.