I once asked Donna, Frank Dearborn’s daughter, to tell me about her dad. Because her book is filled with stories of adventures she took with him—climbing peaks in Vermont, backpacking trips, hiking trips, and more, I expected her to tell me about that. But she didn’t. Not exactly.

 

Instead, she talked about who Frank was as a man and the gifts he gave her. She talked about how he lived his life. She said he was a great man who infused her with confidence. He was a leader that inspired people, she said, a “master of empowering us and our choices.” She talked about how Frank was kind, devoted, and faithful. How he was a powerful man and great athlete who lived a humble life.

 

In her book, Donna wrote, “Dad always made time to listen. Embraced by his gentleness and kindness, cradled in a sphere of love and acceptance, no wonder we felt like the most important person in the world in his presence.” He listened, she said, with an open heart.

 

Frank didn’t just give Donna time and attention; he gave her who he was - a good man. 

 

We can learn a lot from Donna and Frank’s story.

 

When it came to their relationship, the trips and the memories are special and beautiful, yes. But it’s clear that what matters more is  bigger than that. If you talk to Donna, you can hear Frank in her words. You can see Frank in how she lives her life and the woman she became.

 

You reading this? You have that same opportunity.

 

In fact, if you knew how much influence you have over the rest of your daughter’s life, you would be stunned. Why? Because she is watching everything you do and hearing everything you say. Your tone of voice, the expression on your face. How you treat your partner. How you treat her. How you let her treat you. Whether on purpose or not, you are modeling what it looks like to be a man in the world. For her. You will become the standard against which she judges other men, good or bad. 

 

Your relationship with her will impact every romantic relationship with men she ever has. If she feels safe and cared for with you, she will seek a man that makes her feel the same way. If you ignore her, she will try to find love from men that ignore her. If you tell the truth, she will value the truth. If you model kindness and compassion, so will she. If you model persistence, she will have tenacity in her life. Your relationship with her will ripple through the rest of her life. 

 

She is wondering if you like her. Do you think she’s smart, worthwhile, good enough?  Do you love her? Does she feel valued and safe with you, or judged and discounted? She is looking for answers. Your answers will have a lot to do with how she sees herself.

 

She knows things about you.  Things you may not know yourself, or don’t want to acknowledge. Or don’t want her to know. She already knows. She knows when you come home from work whether to approach you or go to her room and leave you alone. Every inaction, every missed opportunity you have to engage with her . . . she feels that. She notices. Be the dad that makes her the first person you smile at when you come home from a long day. Sit in your favorite chair with her and listen to the stories of her life, for as long as she tells them. Because if she learns you are a safe place to talk about her life when she’s six, she will do it when she’s sixteen—when she needs you the most.

 

If you take nothing else away from this, remember: she is learning from you what it looks like to be a man in the world. You will become the standard against which she judges other men, good or bad. She needs you to show her what a good man is.

 

I know that for the rest of Elizabeth and Rachel’s lives, they will call me dad. I’m the one they got. No one else is coming. I do understand the power I have to shape the rest of their lives, and that is both humbling and uplifting. For me, it has been a call to goodness. An aspiration to be the dad they deserve.

 

It’s not about perfection. It’s about showing up. Do that—for her and for you.