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THE POWER OF FATHER-DAUGHTER MEMORIES
CREATING MEMORIES WITH YOUR DAUGHTER
How do you create memories with your daughter? Where do you start if you want an extraordinary relationship with her? I have good news...it's not difficult and here's a hint: start small. Little things add up over time. Big little things.
I have two words for you: Dunkin and donuts. It’s not complicated and it's not the donut. But donuts work. So do flowers and chocolate. Write that down. One woman told me her best memory of her dad was looking up words in the dictionary with him. Big little things.
If you are not sure what to do, go home and watch her. If she likes to play with Barbies, do that. You don’t know how to play with Barbies? Don't worry, she will show you. If she likes to get her nails done, do that. If she likes to go shopping, do that.
Just lost half the men reading this.
Dad's, go shopping anyway. If she's trying on clothes and asks, ""How does this look?" you should hear, "I'm giving you an IQ test." She's inviting you in and taking a risk. She wants to know what you see when you see her. She wants your affirmation and your blessing. Give that to her.
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You also have a job to do with boundaries. I once said, “Looks great! I’m willing to pay for more material.” Don’t delegate this to Mom.
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Here’s another idea: take her on a road trip. Just you and her. (Just lost the other half of men reading this). But don't worry, If she’s under 13 all you need for a successful road trip is the promise of a hotel swimming pool at the end of the day. And her favorite blanket.
As she gets older, the pool promise will become less exciting. There will be more silence.
If she says, “I don’t feel like talking,” say, “That’s ok.” She will talk when she's ready. Then keep driving.
If she says, “I’m bored…” say, “I’m here if you want company.” Keep driving,
Maybe she will say, “I hate school.”
Say…. Nothing.
Shut up and listen, Dad. Another IQ test.
Not every question needs an answer and not every complaint needs fixing. I picked Elizabeth up from school on day in the 6th grade. She had a shocking story of middle school death and destruction. As I struggled to make sense of it and think of something to say, she said, "Can we get some ice cream". I said the most brilliant thing ever, "What flavor"? You may be surprised how many problems get solved by keeping your mouth shut. Write that down.
Let her be where she is and who she is. Don’t just say she can talk to you about anything . . . show her. Listen without an agenda and without trying to fix. If you listen long enough, she will tell you the stories of her life. The real ones. They might not be easy to hear. When she knows you can hear without criticism, judgment, or fixing, eventually . . . you will have a conversation. You will know when. Until then, shut up and listen.
So many little memories to make. So many opportunities to teach her how she deserves to be treated.
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THE POWER OF FATHER-DAUGHTER MEMORIES
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DEPOSITS IN THE MEMORY BANK
Over the years, I’ve asked many women to share memories of their fathers. Here are some of my favorites.
Airport Hero
“It was the end of our family vacation. I was five years old. We turned in the rental car and were headed through the terminal to the gate. I realized I’d left my doll in the rental car. My mom said, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll get a new one when we get home.’ But my dad scooped me up in his arms. We ran back through the terminal, got on the shuttle bus, and returned to the rental car place...
YOUR TURN
Someday Rachel will forget the day I took her flowers and chocolate at school. But she will never forget how she felt when she got them: seen, heard, valued, cared for, important, and loved. Maybe not consciously, but the way she felt in that moment is in there. You can do that same thing. Start small—just start somewhere. And remember to document with photos so she will have them to treasure.